Dear 2009 -

Goodbye friend. You were a year filled with anxiety for me. You had your ups, and you certainly had your downs, but in the end, I want to thank you for a wonderful year.

I can only hope 2010 blesses us the way that 2009 did.

A confession

I miss being pregnant. I miss the cute belly (even if it was covered in nasty stretch marks). I will admit to missing being fawned over, although its pretty awesome to have my little guy get all the attention - I'll settle for that.

But most of all I miss what everyone said I would miss - baby kicks and turns and jabs and punches. I miss nudging Hunter in the butt and seeing his foot poke me somewhere else. I miss hiccups on my hip bone and standing in the shower watching him go nuts when I turn the spray on. Or drinking a Sprite and feeling him go crazy 20 minutes later.

Don't get me wrong. NOTHING compares to having him in my arms. But somedays I miss when it was just the two of us and I didn't have to share him with everyone else.

Totally makes me think I want to do this again and soon. Mission - find a new house, get financially secure in said new house, then get knocked up again and hopefully next time I can stay home with both of my babies. Should I be so lucky to be able to conceive so fast and successfully in the future of course.

***

In other things, I hope all you readers (how few or many there are) had a fantastic Christmas with your families and friends. What a difference a year makes - last year at this time I was just beginning to mourn the loss of a pregnancy and future I wanted. I was mad and thought it could never get better. Joe and I were blessed to make and bake Hunter so soon after that loss. Now I have exactly what I wanted the most. I can only hope for those of you that are suffering this holiday season with unfulfilled dreams, that your 2010 Christmas will be a complete turn around.

Hunter got lots of presents, clothes and toys, as did Mama! And wonderful time spent with DH's family. Tomorrow my parents come up to celebrate.

Monday marks the countdown of 2 weeks until I return to work. This is an entirely separate post filled with anxiety that I will soon sit down and write. But for now I just want to pretend that life can always be this good.

I will say that the US sucks, and I wish we lived in Canada. Then I'd have 3 more months of good times with my baby. Damn you United States maternity leave. *Shakes angry fist and hopes Obama hears in the next 2 weeks and pushes a bill through Congress in record time so that I can continue being a temporary SAHM*

8 weeks

Age - 8 weeks
Weight - Not sure - won't find out until the 21st at his 2 month.
Height - 21.5 inches was his last height - see above for when he will be measured again.
Sleeping habit - Pretty good! He sleeps until 2:30-4 (so from 9:00 to then) then again until about 7. I can't complain. I've been bad with insomnia lately.
Eating habits - 4 oz every 2.5 - 3 hours during the day, about every 4 hours at night. If he goes 3 hours or longer now, I give him 5 oz and he usually wants the whole thing.
Favorite activity - Looking at himself in the mirror, and smiling. - Same as last week!
Cutest Moment of the Week - The giggle fest he had to a Toby Keith song the other day. So cute!
Firsts -First trip to a restaurant and to IA City!

I got my Beco baby carrier the other day and I LOVE it. I love baby wearing - its such an awesome way to feel close to my little guy and get stuff done!

Oops!

Seven weeks is a few days behind!

7 weeks

Age - 7 weeks
Weight - Not sure - won't find out until the 21st at his 2 month.
Height - 21.5 inches was his last height - see above for when he will be measured again.
Sleeping habit - Ugh. He sleeps until like 1 or 2 (from 9 - 1 or 2) then again until 4 or so. Lately he has been nutso fussy from about 4 o'clock on and has ended up in bed with us until 6:30. I hate doing this even if it seems like thats what he needs. I just don't feel safe.
Eating habits - 4 oz every 2.5 - 3 hours during the day, about every 4 hours at night. If he goes 3 hours or longer now, I give him 5 oz and he usually wants the whole thing.
Favorite activity - Looking at himself in the mirror, and smiling.
Cutest Moment of the Week - We made up a song called "All the Single Babies" and he just loves smiling and laughing to it!
Firsts -First trip to Hy-Vee (grocery store)? That's about it.

I have gone to the dark side.

Not really.

But I just realized that I am TOTALLY into attachment parenting.

Not all the theories. I hate bed - sharing (I'm scared when we bed share, I love the snuggle time though), and I love my stroller. And I formula feed.

But I am totally into baby-wearing, not letting Hunter CIO, rocking him to sleep, anti sleep training, room sharing for extended periods of time. It just feels right. Especially with the fact that eventually I will be back at work. To me, this means that when I'm home with Hunter, I want to be able to just be around him - if that means cooking dinner while he's in a baby carrier/mei tai that I may or may not have ordered (Ooops! Merry Christmas to me!) so we can dance around and chit chat while I'm being productive then so be it!

I never ever EVER thought I would write this post.

But damn, this weekend I made my own Moby and I LOVE IT. I think even more so than Hunter!

The Aftermath

So, I was talking to some friends who are all planning on TTC in the next months/year. And I hate to be the bitch in the situation, but it appears to me that a lot of women have some unrealistic expectations about pregnancy. Alas, I must be a bitch and tell the world what they don't want to hear.

1. Stretch marks are either going to happen, or not happen to you. Regardless of lotions you rub, oils you rub, pills you take, what you weighed before pregnancy, blah blah blah. They happen. Or you get lucky, and they don't. But if you've gotten stretch marks before on another body part, you're probably going to get them again.

My belly looks literally like its gone through a VERY bad knife fight. Bright purple stretch marks everywhere. They'll fade. I'm not going to be sappy and call them badges of pride. Because they're not. They're nasty little assholes that happened because genetically, thats what my skin does. And pregnancy stretches shit out. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Belly flab. Lucky are the women who deliver and have a flat belly soon after. I've been walking 3.5 miles everyday since 1 week PP. (Well, I skip Sundays). I've also been doing the 30 DS. I still have a mommy pouch. Will it go away? Possibly. But its not going to be immediate. My poor belly skin got tortured by growing at a ridiculous rate with an almost 9 lb baby. So I am going to wear empire shirts and jeans one size bigger because it doesn't go away right away.

3. Hips. Mine spread. I really sincerely doubt that I will ever go back to my pre-pregnancy size because the same thing happened to my mom. But damn, I guess my pelvis had to get bigger to get that little sucker out of there.

4. PP bleeding. Is nasty and long and gross. And things will come out of your body for weeks after you have a baby. And it will be gross.

5. Bladder control. I have yet to get back to 100%. Can I hold it? Yes. Should I do jumping jacks without peeing first? No.

6. Weight gain during pregnancy sometimes can't be helped. I watched what I ate (most of the time, yes I ate cake and cookies at times, but I did that before....and after too) and worked out almost every day. And I still gained a huge amount of weight. And it wasn't just water weight. I still have about 9-10 lbs to go before I'm back to where I was.

7. Tears. Episiotomies. THEY HAPPEN. You're pushing a giant kid (in my case) out of your vag. Its going to tear. But its hopefully going to get better. A lot of how severe you're going to tear isn't controllable and depends on how fast you labor, how large your kid is, etc etc. So please please don't tell me "Oh I am doing Kegels to prevent tearing during labor." Bitch please. That's like saying you're walking 2 miles a day to train for a marathon. It ain't the same.

8. You might think you can go without an epidural. And a lot of women VERY WELL MIGHT BE ABLE TO. But don't sit there and tell me that you're definitely never going to have an epidural. Wait until you're so exhausted from being in labor for 24 hours straight. Or you're vomiting from pitocin induced contractions. Wait until you're there before you SWEAR it's not going to happen. (This in no way is meant to be a slam at women who want to go natural - its totally and completely do-able - just a pet peeve of mine when people that haven't been through it swear they're NEVER EVER EVER going to take the pain meds).

9. Its painful, its going to be painful unless you are incredibly lucky. Even with an epidural, at some point you are likely to experience pain.

10. You lose a lot of control during the birth process. Its really up to your body and the baby at that point. Its scary but worth it.

So thats my main complaints. I hate to be that way, but I feel like a lot of people have an idealized concept about birth and I do what I can to kill dreams. I know that I appreciated the warning and was glad that most of the above listed things weren't as bad as I thought they were going to be.

Except the stretch marks. And the belly pouch. Those suck.

Also, don't ask unless you want the truth. Because I'm not going to sugar coat it just so you're not scared.

6 weeks

In 6 short weeks, my baby has gone from a little wee guy to a big boy whose slowly starting to explore his world! I am just trying to hold on to him as much as I can - first its not wanting to be held 24/7 and next thing you know he'll be leaving for college!!! Mmkay, so maybe I am jumping the gun, but I just love this little man so much. I actually get jealous when Joe holds him at night - I miss his little snuggly butt! Man, going back to work is going to be SO HARD - for me, probably not for Hunter at all!

Anyways, without further ado:

Age - 6 weeks
Weight - Unsure, last check up was 11 lbs
Height - 21.5 inches (again at last check up)
Sleeping habit - He sleeps for about 3.5 -4 hours from 9 pm on, then typically gets up around 4/4:30 - then sleeps until 6:30 or so.
Eating habits - 4 oz every 2.5 - 3 hours during the day, about every 4 hours at night.
Favorite activity - Starting at himself in the mirror in the car - or the mirror that I bought for him. Or smiling at his bears in his pack and play - or just taking a nap on Mom!
Cutest Moment of the Week - This morning at midnight when I went to change him, he was laughing and smiling so much!! The rule is to not "engage" your baby at night but I couldn't help giggling and smiling back at him.
Milestones - Being six weeks old! Peeing through his nightgown and swaddle blanket TWICE IN ONE NIGHT!!

5 weeks

Hunter turned 5 weeks the previous Wednesday - I will usually be doing these on Wednesdays (hopefully)!

Age - 5 weeks
Weight - He was 11 lbs with his clothes on and a slightly wet diaper on Monday.
Height - 21.5 inches
Sleeping habit - He sleeps for about 3.5 -4 hours from 9 pm on, then typically gets up around 4/4:30 - then sleeps until 6:30 or so. He sleeps in his pack and play next to our bed until he starts fussing around 5 or so, then I typically bring him into bed with us for some snuggle time. We are working on that, he's successfully stayed in his pack and play twice in the last week after 5 am!
Eating habits - 4 oz every 2.5 - 3 hours during the day, about every 4 hours at night.
Favorite activity - Starting at himself in the mirror in the car! (I have one so that I can see him in the rearview mirror) or looking at his cheap ass bear mobile in the downstairs pack and play.
Cutest Moment of the Week - Smiling! And peeing on Wrigley. That was damn funny and he giggled right afterwards!
Milestones - More smiles!
Firsts -First Thanksgiving, first over night at my parent's house!

Thanksgiving

We are so thankful for Mr. Hunter this year. We have a wonderful son, two happy dogs, and each other - is there anything else we need? (Except $5 fleeces from Old Navy, we NEED to get up early and get those).

Unfortunately, Hunter I believe is a "colicky" baby. Every night from about 5-8 its incosolable screaming. So I post this picture, to give you an idea of how great my love is. 3 straight hours of that face + loud screaming and I still want to cover him with kisses!

This too shall pass, right?

1 mo and 3 days PP

A side by side comparison for you. The last belly pic I took (using photo booth on my Mac, anyways), and me today, at 1 mo and 3 days PP.

My thoughts? I have skinny face again!! For this, I am excited. I am not excited for the muffin top that I now am owner of. I am back exercising, walking/running 3 miles a day (broken into segments on the treadmill, as Hunter usually wakes up and starts crying at about 1.5 miles). I am going to start also doing the 30 Day Shred when Joe gets home from work at nights.

Am I totally happy? No, I'd love to not have a muffin top covered in stretch marks. I'd love to be back in my size 8's instead of squeezing into the one pair of size 10's I bought. But, your body cannot go through the process of labor and delivery without having your body change. It took me 9 months to get there, and I know my body will never be the same again. Therefore, I am pretty happy with my body. Weight gain freaked me out, but it was totally worth it, and I feel like my body deserves a HUGE pat on the back for what it went through. So we'll work together on getting fit again, right body? And like I said in my old blog, I am just relieved to not have a swollen face anymore. SO RELIEVED.

With all that being said, I totally just had an enormous brownie.

A few pictures for your viewing pleasure...

I know...my little man is cute huh?? I love him!

Everyone is doing it

It seems like everyone is doing it - the top 5 "new mommy essentials" - so here are mine!

1. The Woombie. Silly name, amazing product. It keeps Hunter swaddled, can't be busted open b/c of the zipper, which reassures us that he won't smother himself in the middle of the night!

2. Angelcare Monitor from Bebe Sounds. This isn't a must have for every mother, but for super paraonoid mommy's like myself, its a must have and totally worth the big price tag.

3. Sleepers with zippers AND footies. Seriously, Hunter lives in sleepers right now - they are comfy for him and we don't go out enough to warrant dressing him in "real" clothes everyday. The ones with footies are a must have - who wants to deal with re-socking a baby every ten minutes? And the zippers are so much better than the button ups for quick diaper changes.

4. Gas drops. Helps his belly feel good and lets him get all those farts out!

5. The swing/bouncer/whatever you've got. Seriously, sometimes you just have to put your kid down. Hunter loves to be held but when I get the chance I do put him in his swing or his bouncer in the hopes to have some hands free time to myself! To clean, do laundry, or shower!

Diaper Rash

As I write this, my sweet little man is taking a nap on my chest. He is exhausted!

Joe and I went to see the comedian Jon LaJoie last night. Hunter and Grandma and Grandpa and Hunter's cousin Hayley got some adorable Christmas and Cubs outfit pictures done while we were out - I will put them up when my MIL puts them on facebook. It was so nice to get out!

But this morning we had to deal with the yucky stuff - little man has got a serious case of diaper rash that is just not getting better. We change his diaper constantly, apply the prescription to his bum from the doctor and COVER this kid's rear in Desitin and he still gets open areas. We have switched from regular wipes to soft Viva paper towels soaked in hot water and sometimes baby oil. I literally blow dry his bum after major diaper changes/blow outs to make sure he's clean AND dry. I let him "air out" 3 or 4 times a day. Nothing is helping. The peditrician switched his prescription so we will see if this makes a difference. He said that Hunter unfortunately will probably have some diaper rash until he's out of diapers - he's just super sensitive. I wish cloth diapering was a possibility for us, but its just not because our washer and dryer are on our lower level in the basement - there's no way I could run a diaper down there after every dirty diaper. Anyways, lets all just hope that my poor little guy's butt responds to the next prescription. Poor guy!

Hunter's birth story/one month old

Here is the story of Hunter's birth. And the newest pictures of him to follow. I can't believe that one month ago today I was having him - Seriously the greatest thing I've ever done. I love him SO much! Joe is crazy about him and its like our family was missing something until he came along.

He's growing so much. Part of me is excited to see the changes that are happening and part of me is sad that I'll never have that little newborn back! He's starting to smile and he's tracking faces a lot better. He's also tolerating being out of mom/dad/grandma's arms for more than five minutes. Last night he slept, in his bassinet, from 9-1:45! His record is 9-2:30 but I will take 1:45 VERY gratefully.

Currently Mr. Hunter is napping in his swing. His swing, I will admit, was on sale at TJ Maxx and was a bargain. I think one of the reasons behind this is the selection of music. He loves water sounds so I tried to put it on babbling brook sounds - and yeah, there's water noise, but there's also the sound of a duck quacking. Wtf? How is that relaxing!

Anyways, birth story, for record keeping's sake: (XP'd from thebump.com)

On Tuesday around 2 am my contractions were about 10 minutes apart. I slept but on and off. I spent the day on the couch, eating junk food because I knew it was my last day to enjoy being fat and lazy. My contractions were mild most of the day, 10-12 minutes apart, sometimes 7-9.

Around 4:30 the contractions got VERY painful but were still relatively far apart, allowing me enough time to recover in between. The dogs were great and laid by me the whole time. Carter (the puffball) would come sit right by me during all the contractions I had and let me grab on to his neck (not hurting him, just bracing myself).

DH got home and brought Subway around 7. We watched TV. Immediately after eating my contractions started to get far far far stronger and 7 minutes apart. They stayed that way until about 11, when I figured I should get up and shower and get ready. It took me about an hour to shower, since I had to stop and breathe through the contractions the whole time. I even did my hair and put on makeup (I have no clue why). I got dressed, then told DH he needed to shower. I called the OB and he talked me through some contractions on the phone. At that point they were about 4-5 minutes apart. He advised we go in. We got to skip admitting which saved about an hour since we were scheduled to be induced in about 7 hours anyways.

At this point I could barely breathe - the contractions were close together, and hard. The nurse checked me and I was at 4 - I was very proud of myself for getting that far on my own without even coming in or calling all day Tuesday! She asked about the epidural. At that point I was torn, because I had done so well for so long on my own. She said she'd call the anathesologist and he could talk to me about it. About a half an hour of intense contractions later, he arrived and I decided to get one. She checked me before hand and I was at 6 centimters - labor was FLYING by!

The epidural was amazing. I can't say enough about it. I would not have had the energy I needed later on to push if I hadn't gotten the epidural, after 30 hours of being awake, I needed it. The one complaint was that it went up too high and my BP dropped a bit, but that was easily fixed by putting me sitting straight up in bed.

DH and I both took a nap from about 6-8. The night nurse (amazing lady!) came in and introduced us to the day shift nurse (double amazing!) and informed me they were going to start me on pitocin because my contractions had stalled. They checked me and I was at 8 centimeters.

They turned the epidural off - I had NO CLUE they did this. I thought I got it the whole time, even through the pushing, but my OB doesn't allow that as he wants everyone to be able to feel pushing in its entirety; they believe its how to keep the rate of emergency c-sections low. At the time I was pretty PO'd but I get it now.

I labored for about another hour until 10:00. We did a few practice pushes and the nurse determined I needed to wait a little longer. I seriously felt like I was going to poop my pants (well gown) the pressure was so bad. ALL I wanted to do was push push push.

At 10:30 I started pushing. It was SUCH a relief. I would push 3 times during each contraction. It hurt, but not in a bad way. I did this for about half an hour. The worst part was feeling the blood and amniotic fluid go out everywhere. Yuck! My left hip cramped up from Hunter's position and Joe/the nurse took turns holding it and massaging.

At 11:30 they called the OB in. This is where it gets rough. I pushed and pushed and pushed and Hunter's head would pop out, then go back in. OUCH. Finally, the last 6 or 7 contractions, he stayed put and it was just a matter of getting him out. OMG THAT HURT SO BAD. My language was so awful - as I said before, I told my favorite OB to fvck off at one point. Everyone was so great though - everytime I said I just couldn't do it they told me to keep going, that I was so close. It seriously felt like my vag was being ripped into a million pieces. DH kept calling me "champ" and was apparently crying (my eyes were closed). They kept asking if I wanted to see his head and I just had no energy left to look. I just wanted to quit at that point, but you can't quit when there's literally a head coming out of you. The OB kept telling me to "use the pain" to get him out. On the last contraction, after 4 big pushes his head came out. I pushed some more and his shoulders came out and they pulled him all the way out! 12:05 pm, he was 8 lbs 14 oz, 20.5 inches long and completely bald! (He has peach fuzz but no hair at all).

Absolutely perfect. He BF like a champ all day yesterday and last night, but today he's sooo tired and not eating at all. (So of course I am getting a little concerned already)!

Recovery is...nasty. I gushed blood all day yesterday. I ruined 3 pairs of hospital socks. I have some cramps that suck but am taking a Motrin/Tylenol combo. For some reason, my tailbone got bruised/cracked during labor (probably from his positioning) so it hurts to get out of bed. It feels great to move around or sit up, but when I go to move, it hurts something awful. I have a second degree tear which isn't bothering me half as much as this tailbone thing. The OB that saw me today said it might be something that is permanent (eek!) unfortunately. It feels a bit better today so here's hoping its just a bruise.

So thats my birth story. Its so worth it in the end, but honestly the most pain I've ever had to endure!

So I have decided to start a new blog - about Baby Hunter and his growth and general life experiences. Let's start with some pictures, hmm?

The hubs and I, on our wedding day (obviously).

Our first "baby" - Carter.

Our second "baby" - Wrigley the wonder dog.

And finally, the real mean of the hour, Mr. Hunter Joseph. The love of my life!